I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
