I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
