Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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