i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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