the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
