i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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