who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
And then he peed in my hair
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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