Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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