i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
