Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
