I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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