The maid of honor just puked.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
