Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
