the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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