I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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