i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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