there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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