i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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