I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize