I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
