How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
