I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
