she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
