She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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