If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
