Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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