And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
