where does the pee come out of this thing
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
