My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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