I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(