i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
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From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?