why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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