Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
