good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
