The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
