Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
