So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.