You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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