i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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