what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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