Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
