addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
