so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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