i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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