I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Ketchup is God's man juice
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
