If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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