you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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