She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
