If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
