how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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