i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
