i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
