Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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