What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
