i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
