everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
