thus making me awesome and them whores
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
