why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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