I met the friendliest cop last night
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
