you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
