He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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